Hercule Poirot's Christmas
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: Finally! It's over! I'm not writing for HPC any more! Ever! Or ever! That's never! I bet you want me to shut up! Well I won't! Or will I? Read this story! Ignore the bad writing! And the exclamation marks!
1. Chapter 1

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a joint story written by **tikitikirevenge** and **hoogiman**.   
Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters in this story. However, the story is our intellectual property, and if you attempt to copy it, you are obviously a loser for thinking that it is worth reading.   
**stfu n00b lololo !!!!111 1 1 11117878 l33t l33t n00b newb**

**CHAPTER ONE**: **THE FIRST CHAPTER**

Jigglypuff stared down, watching closely. She knew that her final opponent was smarter, quicker, and more decisive than her. She needed to come up with a plan. It was the final match of the Dreamland Smash Brothers tournament.   
"Jiggly-puff!" shouted fans in the stadium.   
"Oooh!" shouted the few others who didn't root for Jigglypuff.   
Jigglypuff shouted, "IGGLY JIGGLY IGGLY!"   
Her opponent didn't flinch.   
"_Jig!_" hissed Jigglypuff, giving her opponent the evil eyes look (wide eyed, blue, and smiling).   
"Come on!" shouted someone in the audience. "Get it over with!"   
Jigglypuff rushed her opponent and slammed into it, headfirst!   
The opponent fell to the ground.   
"Get up!" chanted a small number of people in the audience.   
Her opponent had taken a hit! Jigglypuff danced in celebration. Off the edge. And fell. Off the edge.   
The audience screamed.   
With joy.   
"AND THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH IS…" shouted the announcer (who is that guy? And why doesn't he have anything better to do?). "IT'S THE CAN OF COKEPSI™! MMM… COKEPSI™! IT CAN BEAT JIGGLYPUFF IN A FIGHT!"   
The audience cheered for the can.   
Master Hand swooped onto the stage. "Well, that wraps up this year's tournament! The can of Cokepsi™ now takes second last place, and Jigglypuff takes last place!"   
"Jigglypuff!" cheered the Jigglypuffs in the audience.   
"Well, to all the contestants who participated in this tournament, you are all invited to join me for a luxury holiday on a Caribbean island in the middle of nowhere!"   
The audience cheered.   
"But Master Hand," said Ness' voice. "If it's a Caribbean island, how can it be in the middle of nowhere?"   
"**STFU N00B ALL UR L33T IS PWNED PWNED n00B L33T lurn 2 spel!**" said TheauThor.   
"Actually," said Fox, "I'm kind of busy. Sorry, but I don't think I can make it -"   
Master Hand looked startled. "What? Oh, did I say that you were invited?"   
"I'm not invited?" said Fox.   
"No, you aren't."   
"Well, that's just -"   
"You are all _required_ to join me on this island!"   
"WHAT!?" said all the Smashers.   
"I just said: you are all _required_ to join me on this island!"   
"WHAT!?" said all the Smashers.   
"I just said: you are all _required_ to join me on this island!"   
"WHAT!?" said all the Smashers.   
Master Hand sighed. "Don't you get it? You all are **still** required to join me."   
Disappointed, the Smashers left and prepared to go to the island. 

So, that's the first chapter. Quite short, I know. But we **promise**, the next one will be longer. And we **promise** that unlike **every other person who writes a short first chapter for a Smash Brothers fan story and promises that the next one will be longer, WE ACTUALLY WILL DO THAT!**   
"How can this be?" I hear you gasp. Well, there's a simple secret to all of this.   
It is…   
Get ready…   
The secret…   
…which I'm about to tell you…   
…is…   
…that…   
…in actual fact… 

**FIND OUT NEXT CHAPTER!**


	2. Chapter 2

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a joint story written by **tikitikirevenge** and **hoogiman**.  
Disclaimer: We do not own any of the characters in this story, except for the ones which we own. If you attempt to copy this story, please don't say you wrote it yourself. You'll just make yourself look stupid in the process.

**CHAPTER TWO: THE SECOND CHAPTER**

Yoshi walked along the road, sulking.  
Yoshi realized that the road was boiling hot.  
Yoshi quickly jumped over to the grassy sidewalk, and continued to walk around, sulking.  
Now, you may be wondering why Yoshi was sulking.  
Well, I'll tell you, if only because I can't think of anything else to write about.  
Yoshi was sulking about something that had happened to him.  
Now, if I was to copy most writers, I'd just stop there, and leave you in suspense (or more likely, just end up with angry readers). However, I don't believe in leaving people in suspense. That's why everything here is going to be completely predictable and boring.  
Yoshi was sulking, because, only a few days earlier…

**--begin flashback--**

Ness and Yoshi walked into the Caribbean Quantum Physics discussion club. The manager glanced at them as they came in, then gave a loud yelp of surprise.  
"Hey!" said the manager, running over to them. "You're not allowed in here!" he said, looking at Yoshi.  
"Yoshi? Yoshi yoshi?" said Yoshi angrily. Translated: _"Oh? Why not?"_  
"Because we have a new rule in place: no Yoshis allowed."  
"What?" said Ness.  
"That's right: no Yoshis allowed. You see, yesterday, a green Yoshi walked in, and randomly started turning everyone into eggs…"  
"Yoshi." _"Oops."  
_"…and besides, you don't talk normally. We can't understand a word you say."  
Disappointed, Yoshi walked out.  
"Arararararararararararar!" Yoshi whimpered.  
Bowser sat on him.  
"Arararararararararararar!" Yoshi whimpered.  
A low flying jumbo jet hit him.  
"Arararararararararararar!" Yoshi whimpered.  
The flashback faded away.  
"Arararararararararararar!" Yoshi whimpered. 

**--end flashback--**

So now you know why Yoshi was walking along, sulking.  
And you really wanted to know why.  
Because it was important to you.  
'Cause this story is your life.  
Or so we hope.  
Really it is.  
Please? 

A pot full of boiling acid went flying through the window of the rented house, hitting Captain Falcon in the groin.  
"Too much salt," muttered Princess Zelda to herself from inside the aforementioned house. Since the Smashers had arrived three days ago, and found themselves some accommodation, Zelda had been trying to cook a decent soup to impress Master Hand with, so that she could leave early. After all, she had received a tip off that someone was plotting to steal her pet alpha male wolf, Fido. She needed to arrange security, lest Fido get vicious-alpha-male-wolfnapped.  
"I'm a princess blessed by the people and gods of Hyrule!" screamed Zelda, trying to kill a packet of herbs with a rolling pin. "I can **rule**! I can **keep order**! I can **think logically**, unlike Mister 'Oh-look-at-me-I'm-the-saviour-of-Hyrule-I-can-get-away-with-anything-even-something-as-stupid-as-this'!  
"I can **dance**! I can perform **amazing martial arts manoeuvres**! **WHY CAN'T I ADD THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF ARTIFICIAL STIMULANTS TO A BATCH OF FLAVOURED WATER SO THAT I CAN DRUG MASTER HAND AND BRAINWASH HIM INTO LETTING ME GO?**" she shouted.  
"Because you don't have any artificial stimulants!" came Samus' voice from outside.  
"Maybe it's because I can't eat. I don't have a mouth," said Master Hand, as he glided by. "Wait! Brainwash me? She wants to brainwash me?..."  
"Maybe you're missing sugar!" came Peach's voice.  
"Keep it down! I'm in orbit in a different star system and I can hear you!" yelled a frog (incidentally, nobody knew whether the frog was male or female, not even the frog himself. Oops, I meant: the frog herself. No, sorry, I meant 'itself'.).  
"Look at me!" shouted Link, riding a unicycle backwards down a steep hill. "I'm the saviour of Hyrule! I can get away with anything! Even doing something as stupid as this!" The sound of a unicycle falling into an active volcano could be heard.  
Zelda stormed around the kitchen, trying to decide what to do. Perhaps… if she could find a friend whose cooking Master Hand approved of, and get that friend to cook her a thick broth, and slip some sodium pentothal into the mix, then get Master Hand to drink it, then she could get away!  
"Zelda, you're brilliant! You are so intelligent that the combined brain power of every other person in the world would not even come close to matching you. Zelda, you are perfection!" she said to herself (rather modestly).  
Now, to find someone she could trust…

Heh heh heh…

_Unbeknownst to our heroes, a dark murky villain moved through the streets. He pulled out a rifle, and aimed.  
His target… was a blue haired man with a sword.  
The killer knew that his target was important. After all, Mr… his employer had payed an extra twenty cents over his usual rifle shooting fee.  
The killer approached silently, aiming for the head.  
He would not miss.  
He could not miss.  
This killer was infallible.  
And the killer was ready to destroy the target.  
This target had proved elusive. He wasn't in any of the usual joints: the casino, that restaurant no-one knows about, the bottom of the ocean, or the killer's back yard.  
This man was hard to find.  
But the target had been found.  
And now the target was as good as dead.  
_"Ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod!" said Peach, leaning closer to the screen.  
"How can you watch this junk?" asked Samus, relaxing in her chair. "It's obvious what's going to happen. At the last moment, Mike's girlfriend will come back, warn him, and the killer will go to jail."  
"_YOU SPOILT THE ENDING!_" screamed Peach.  
"It's exactly what happened last episode! And the one before that! _And_ the one before that. And all those ads for this episode said that!"  
"_I HATE YOU!"_ Peach grabbed a pillow, filled it with bricks, and started hitting Samus with it.  
"Er… I was just kidding!" said Samus hastily.  
"Really?" said Peach.  
"Yeah," said Samus.  
"Oh," said Peach. "That's okay."  
"Yeah… it was a joke…" said Samus.  
"A joke? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I don't get it," laughed Peach.  
Samus wondered why she was within auditory distance of Peach.  
"You're funny, Samus, I – hey, look! Out there!" Peach pointed outside the window.  
"What is it? That's the sun!"  
"No! I mean, that guy over there!"  
Samus went up to the window to get a better look. "Him?"  
"Yeah! Isn't he ugly?" said Peach. "It's disgusting! How could any self respecting man go around looking like that? Who does _he_ expect to fall for him? The only kind of woman who would see the slightest advantage in him would have to be tomboyish, crazy, strong, graceful, good looking, violent, self confident, tough and – Samus? Where did you go?"  
A breeze blew through the open window, sending the curtains flapping.

Meta Knight hopped down from a rocky outcrop above the harbour.  
"Where is he?" he said, looking around. Then he spotted something that made his blood run cold.  
"It's Kirby! He's been possessed by Dark Matter!" cried Meta Knight, running across a pier.  
At the edge of the pier sat Kirby, rocking backwards and forwards as if in a trance.  
Kirby turned and saw Meta Knight. "It's you!? Must… kill…" said Kirby, walking towards Meta Knight awkwardly, hands outstretched.  
Meta Knight slowly backed away, unsheathing his sword. "Stay back, Kirby."  
Kirby waddled closer.  
Meta Knight raised the sword. "I'm sorry that I have to do this, Kirby."  
Kirby ate Meta Knight, then fell of the pier, landing in the water.  
A fishing boat ran over him.  
"I must have eaten too much pizza last night," said Kirby to himself. "I could have sworn that that evil Waddle Dee over there was actually Meta Knight. That's totally random."  
Kirby was suddenly abducted by a flying pyramid with baked Caesar ping pong mallets.

Jigglypuff, Young Link and Pichu drank some strange liquid they had found stashed in Link's baggage, and fell into a weird trance.  
"Hey pretty," said Young Link to Jigglypuff. "Why don't you come and push me into this bottle?"  
"Pichi pichu!" said Pichu, looking at the stars floating above him.  
"Jigglypuff!" said Jigglypuff, who couldn't think to begin with, and thus was unaffected by Link's dissolved marij– I mean, sugar water. Water. With sugar in it. It tastes sweet.

Meanwhile, in an airport somewhere, Gooey the blue blob had an eating spree. Gooey kept on eating a horizontal line of people.  
Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp! Gulp!  
Suddenly, a magical warp portal came in front of gooey.  
_Come into the portal…  
_Gooey looked curious.  
_Come into the portal Gooey…  
_Then, the author got bored of using a completely predictable plot device which appeared in every second Smash Brothers story (under-exaggeration) and Gooey landed onto a bench.  
Yoshi saw a nice blue blob sitting next to him.  
Gooey saw a nice green blob sitting next to him.  
Yoshi stuck his tongue out trying to eat the blue blob.  
Gooey stuck his tongue out trying to eat the green blob.  
Yoshi is still sticking his tongue out.  
Gooey is still sticking his tongue out.  
Yoshi's tongue curled around Gooey's tongue.  
Gooey's tongue curled around Yoshi's tongue.  
A pick-up truck picked **up** Gooey.  
Three sheep landed **on** Yoshi.  
The alarm rang in Samus's **room**.  
Jigglypuff is **grey**!  
Mewtwo **sneezed**.  
Falco coughed.  
Marth **then** wheezed.  
Mario scoffed.  
Pichu screamed,  
He screamed in pain.  
Existence ceased to **exist**.  
and  
**the  
** red  
**car  
** was  
forever  
blue  
metaphorically that is  
not literally  
stupid  
red  
is not  
blue  
**has** was wis  
for each  
lost possession  
has been  
stolen  
obviously  
for the **killed**  
man  
says  
that the meaning of life  
is in **me** and you  
only  
**1337 1337  
N00b n00b n00b bamshi w00t!**

You people don't appreciate poetry.

Samus ran up to the guy walking along.  
"Hey!" she said. "I noticed that you were around and thought that I should just stop and say hi."  
"What?" said the cute guy.  
"I… er… that is – I think you're… kind of… cute… but… look! A flying pig!"  
The guy looked up. "I don't see anything!"  
"**OH!** Sorry. Sorry, it's just that – sorry, I didn't catch your name -"  
"The name's Falcon," said the man. "Blood Falcon."  
"Such a nice name," breathed Samus.

Somewhere so far away that it's irrelevant, a volcano erupted.  
That's really important to the story.  
Honest.


	3. Chapter 3

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a joint story written by **tikitikirevenge** and **hoogiman**.  
Disclaimer: _Like a lovely day,_  
_We just do not own any  
Characters herein._

**CHAPTER THREE: THE CHAPTER AFTER THE SECOND CHAPTER**

_**Last chapter:**  
Roy falls in love with the space pirate Alchuisrdfyg. But can these two star cross'd lovers from the fatal loins of the second Queen of Mars reunite within the forty second limit for the megaton bomb (version 64)?  
Yoshi runs wildly from police. Jigglypuff admits that she has problems and assassinates president Kirby who then stabs his congress. Fox and Marth have feelings for each other, but Fox fatally and accidentally stabs Marth.  
Biffy and her mom just want a fresh start in their new, suburban California home, where the good part of town is half a block away from the bad part of town. In her new high school, Biffy meets an eccentric librarian who knows that Buffy, I mean, Biffy, is the "chosen one".  
Peach's long lost bunny slippers return to share a dark haunting past with her. Can she accept the changes that have come between her and her ice cream scoop?  
_  
Oops. Wrong story.

Well, if we told you, you still wouldn't have any clue what's going on.

Peach continued sinking into the couch, watching her favourite prime time TV show… er… what show was this? Evil Guardians? The Godmother? Oh, no, this one was the prestigious _7.43 News_ show, much better than the lame copycat program, _News at 7.23_.  
Peach flipped the channel to _Soapera Condensed._  
_"John, come on, we have to go!"  
"But the sun set is so beautiful…"  
"You're awful! How could I ever trust you?"  
"I stabbed your father."  
"Argh! My car is crashing!"  
"I'm moving to Amsterdam! Goodbye."  
"Yeah, yeah, could you call the ambulance before you leave?"  
"Look, it's that cute girl! I'm in love with her now."  
"But you were in love with me three seconds ago. And you're both female!"  
"You might as well GIVE UP young man, just… go…"  
_Peach sobbed.  
"How could he possibly dump her!? They had such a long relationship…"  
A knock came at the bungalow door. "Pizza!" shouted a man from outside.  
"Just a moment!" said Peach. "Alexa's just gotten pregnant with her second cousin's boss!"  
"_WHAT!?_" shouted the delivery man.  
"It's a TV show," said Peach, watching intently.  
"I know! I thought she was going out with her biological father a few minutes ago!"  
"Yeah, but then he hung himself after he got robbed by his father!"  
"Quick, open the door!" shouted the man. "I need to see this!"  
"Just a moment!"  
"_PIZZA!_" screamed the delivery man frantically.

"Pizza?" said Kirby. "No, it's… oh yeah, that hard stuff! Granite!"  
Kirby noticed a can lying on the floor of the weird glowing psychedelic pyramid he was trapped in.  
"_Mmm… maybe it's got soda pop inside,_" thought Kirby, wandering over to the can, eating a couple of floating weird electric enemies along the way. "Mmm… dangerously high voltages…"  
The can rattled suddenly of its own accord.  
Kirby gasped. He had encountered violent soda pop before. This stuff was not to be taken lightly.  
Kirby slowly approached, keeping his footsteps quiet.  
He couldn't be more than ten metres away from the can, rattling more violently than ever.  
Step quietly. Even more quietly than that time he found Falco Lombardi in the bath. Even thinking about that incident made Kirby's back hurt like it had when Falco had noticed. And Kirby's feet. And his arms. And his eyes. And his pride.  
The can was shaking even more vigorously.  
Five metres between them.  
Kirby snuck up quietly.  
Four metres.  
A humming noise grew around him and the pyramid seemed to be vibrating viciously.  
Three.  
The walls started glowing, and a strange crackling noise that sounded like static electricity hitting Mr Game & Watch on the toilet (don't ask) could now be heard.  
Two.  
Just a little bit further. Kirby didn't think the can had noticed him yet.  
One and a half metres.  
A little bit further.  
One.

"One?" said Roy, looking wary. "You're saying that it's _one_?"  
"Yes," said Donkey Kong, scratching his ears.  
"For the record, you think that it's one?" said Roy, making sure that his pocket voice recorder was on.  
"Yes. One. Do you have a _problem_ with the number one, buddy?" said DK.  
"No, no. Let me get this straight: you're saying that three million seven hundred and forty thousand two hundred and fourteen multiplied by three thousand two hundred and one is **_one_**?"  
At that moment, Jigglypuff walked by. Now, you haven't yet found out exactly where these three people were. Well, it turns out that they were sitting in a restaurant. Somewhere. That specific enough for you?  
So, as I was just saying, Jigglypuff walked past Roy and Donkey Kong, muttering insane motivational messages to herself.  
"Jig jig, puggly piffly puff!" she said quietly (at several hundred decibels).  
"Yeah?" said Donkey Kong. "Isn't 'one' an okay guess?"  
"I… er… well…you see…" Roy had suddenly noticed that Donkey Kong was **clenching his fists** (Donkey Kong's fists, that is). "Look! It's Jigglypuff!"  
Donkey Kong, who had been about to flatten Roy into a wall, turned to look. "Why! So it is!" said Donkey Kong. "It's Jigglypuff!" added Donkey Kong, restating **the** obvious.  
A few seconds ago, Jigglypuff had been deep in thought. She had been planning to do the amazing. The impossible. The brilliant!  
"What do you want?" said Roy.  
"Ji jih ply gluffy puffgly jiglig lygif gif jif jiffy puff!"  
Roy and DK had no idea what that meant. "Could you, like… mime it?" said Roy.  
Jigglypuff tapped her left arm four times.  
"Four words…" said Roy.  
Jigglypuff tapped her arm again.  
"First word."  
Jigglypuff waved her arms up and down, then stretched them out wide.  
"Climb… no, pull? Give? Let? Let, okay. Let… let the world? Let us?"  
Jigglypuff nodded, then waved her hands around on the ground.  
"Let's… er… wade? Swim? Spelunk? Make?"  
Jigglypuff put her arms over her head and was very still.  
"Stone? Let's make stone? Let's make still? Let us make… rock?"  
Jigglypuff nodded, then stretched her arms out wide, then brought them together.  
"Let's make a rock puller? A rock snap?" said Roy.  
"A rock band?" asked DK.  
Jigglypuff nodded.  
Actually, Jigglypuff wanted them to help her climb Mt. Everest, but whatever they were talking about would do.  
"Now why didn't that ever occur to me?" wondered Roy. "A rock band. It's a great idea, Jigglypuff! Jigglypuff? Where are you?"  
Jigglypuff had gone to get herself some sugar water. Or maybe a cocktail (high-sugar). Or perhaps she would get herself some tea (with truckloads of sugar). Jigglypuff liked sugar.  
Hey! Maybe soda would be okay. Soda has **lots of sugar** in it.

Soda has **lots of sugar** in it. That's what made it so appealing to Kirby. However, just as Kirby touched the can, it exploded and a giant yellow ball of electrical death went hurtling straight for him.  
"Uh-oh," said Kirby.

"Uh-oh," said Ganondorf.  
"What is it?" said Link, feigning concern.  
About half an hour ago, Zelda had approached Link, Young Link, and Ganondorf. She had offered them the chance to win lots of fame and women and gold if they could cook a really good soup for her. They all had decided that it was worth the reward. Link really wanted recognition, Young Link wanted the women (because he… er… wanted to… talk… to them… the women, that is… yeah… nothing to do with six…), and Ganondorf was after the riches and other stuff.  
The point being that they were all in the kitchen of Zelda's rented house trying to cook better dishes than each other.  
Naturally, _certain people_ resorted to cheating. Those certain people were Link, Young Link, and Ganondorf.  
Ganondorf turned to Link. "How do you boil eggs?"  
"Like this," said Link, walking over to Ganondorf's pot. "You break the eggs, like so…" Link cracked open a few eggs… "I'll just pour this excess yolk into this bowl… okay, now you crumble the shell into a fine dust, and put it into the boiling pot."  
"Thanks," said Ganondorf. "It's so kind of you to help me like that, considering old rivalries."  
"Oh, it was nothing," said Link, pouring the yolk into his pot.  
"Hey!" said Young Link.  
"What now?" said Ganondorf, chopping up a live… er… something medieval… I know, a carrot. Ganondorf was chopping up a live carrot.  
"Well," said Young Link, "you're **evil** and **everything** so you must have speared people to **death** and chopped off their heads plenty of **times**, right?"  
"Right," said Ganondorf. "Your point is?"  
"_Certain people_ say that I'm too **young to handle** a knife, so I need help cutting this roast peasant up." (Did I say peasant? I meant pheasant. It's a type of bird. There is **no cannibalism** in this story.)  
"Sure thing," said Ganondorf, walking over to Young Link. He chopped the peasant into tiny pieces, removed the bones, and put them into the pot (the bones).  
"I'll just throw this unwanted flesh away, shall I?" he said, tossing the peasant meat – no, p**h**easant meat, in the direction of his pot.  
As you can see, these three people had overcome past differences and were helping each other generously.  
"LI-NK!" cried Young Link. "You're supposed to hold the knife by the sharp end!"  
"Oops," said Link, turning his knife around. It immediately cut his skin, sending blood **dripping into his pot of death**, I mean, **his pot of soup**.  
Yes, they were being very helpful to each other.  
"Sugar," said Young Link.  
"What about it?" said Ganondorf.  
"It's so sweet."

"It's so sweet of you to do that for me," said Blood Falcon. "Taking me to this high class -" he glanced at the menu – "fifty cent coffee shop and buying me a drink. What I want to know is, why?"  
"Why?" said Samus, trying not to gag on a badly brewed cup of Koopa-cino (don't ask) which was probably badly brewed because she had asked for the cheap forty cent brew, not the real fifty cent stuff. "Why what?"  
"Well, why are you being so nice to me, and not one of those other dudes out on the streets?"  
Samus gathered all her courage (and hats) and looked Blood Falcon in the eyes. "Because I love you," she said.  
"Wait, wait, wait," said Blood Falcon, "shouldn't we develop more of a relationship before you reveal that to me? Go out on a couple of dates first, romantic nights in the park, have a few children, _then_ would be a good time to tell me that you love me."  
"True," said Samus, readying all her resolve and pineapples, "but it's a little late for you to be telling me that now, isn't it? I mean, I've already told you."  
Blood Falcon swore. "Oh, fu - nny isn't it? But we could always just pretend that this conversation never happened."  
"The whole thing or just the part after I told you that I love you?"  
"Don't remind me! I'm trying to forget!"  
"Sorry," said Samus meekly.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shouted Captain Falcon, who had overheard the conversation. He ran in between the couple.  
"Oh, hi, Captain," said Samus, flexing her leg and questioning whether she could kick his nose from this position.  
Blood Falcon turned pale. "You," he whispered.  
"You," whispered Captain Falcon.  
"I am going to rip you throat apart," said Blood Falcon. "And then I shall crush every bone in your body."  
"You fool," hissed Captain Falcon. "Disgrace to humanity! I shall blast you to bits before you ever get a chance to lay your filthy hands on me."  
"Are you two old friends?" said Samus. "You seem to know each other quite well. In fact -" she looked carefully, "- I could swear you two are related. Are you seventh cousins or something?"  
"_HE'S MY CLONE!_" roared Captain Falcon.  
"Same thing these days," said Samus. "I'm my own grandmother, I believe."  
"How does that work?" said Blood Falcon.  
"Don't ask," said Samus.  
"It's too late, I already did," said Blood Falcon.  
"Curses," said Samus.  
"_I could have sworn those two were in love or something,_" thought Captain Falcon. "_How odd,"_ thought he.

"_How odd,_" thought Kirby. _"I could have sworn that this evil killer monster trying to protect the secrets of the mystical soda pop pyramid was actually Pichu who had been crammed into a bottle which had been left in the pyramid for thousands of years. This place must be playing tricks on my mind."_  
He was right, the place _had_ been playing tricks on his mind. Pichu had been crammed into a **can** of Cokepsi™ which had been left in the pyramid for thousands of years.  
"Pichu pi chu chi chu!" screamed Pichu. _"Help, Kirby is trying to kill me and I've just realised that I can express a multitude of phrases with only a few words which is a good thing considering that I can only pronounce two vowels and **two frigging consonants**!"_  
Kirby spat out a mystical floating block at Pichu, knocking him (Pichu) out.  
"Wait…" said Kirby. "You actually _are_ Pichu!" he said in surprise.  
Pichu didn't say something, because, as we already know, Pichu had been knocked out.  
"Oops."

"Oops." said a shocked Donkey Kong as he dropped an organ onto a shop assistant.  
"You should me more careful," chastised Roy. "I mean, dropping that orchestra on that old guy back in the antiques shop, I can understand, but an organ? That's just careless."  
Jigglypuff looked at the nice thing. She saw a dial.  
_Volume: Deaf  
_Jigglypuff turned the dial one more notch up.  
_Volume: Soft  
_And another.  
_Volume: Normal  
_Around the same precise moment, Donkey Kong picked up a guitar.  
Click!  
_Volume: Extreme ear infection  
_Click!  
_Volume: Supersonic  
_Click!  
_Warning: Safety Hazard.  
_Click!  
_Warning: Dial should not go this far.  
_Click!  
_Warning: This volume is known to kill people.  
_Click!  
_Warning: Only use this to kill presidents.  
_Jigglypuff moved the amp next to Roy. Donkey Kong plugged the guitar into the amp, and walked about 20 metres away onto a stage in the shop.  
"Hey look at me Roy, I'm Elvis!" said Donkey Kong, about to strum a chord.  
Roy ignored him. "Ha! You can't play the guitar well enough to make any **audible sound**!"  
Donkey Kong's eyes narrowed. "I'll show you," he said, preparing to launch the ultimate sound sensation.  
Donkey Kong touched a string by accident.

Peach touched an olive by accident.  
"E-ew!" she said in an annoying voice. "E-ew! That is like, really, _sooo_ disgusting! An olive! And what's more -"  
The power on the television cut out.  
"That's just mean," she said, glaring at the TV.  
Peach decided that she would take a break. She looked out the window.  
_"AAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHFMMFGGGHGAAAAARRGHG HTGNGGHH!!!EMCC!!$FHIKWSEJHNVMFEDJKARGH!"_ screamed a lot of people, running past, on fire, exploding buildings in the background.  
"This reminds me of an episode of _Mindless Violence Soap Opera_," said Peach. She broke into tears. "Oh, why didn't Jamie and Alex get together after they killed her father? Why did that pizza delivery guy waste **4 seconds of my life**? And **WHY DOESN'T THEAU THOR GET ANY REVIEWS**?"

Hint.


	4. Chapter 4

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a joint story written by **tikitikirevenge** and **hoogiman**.  
Disclaimer: **All ur stuf 1s b3l0ng to u$. pwn3d! n00b! u r teh l33tn00b, u m0r00n!!!!!!!11111111111111 N00B!!!!!**

**CHAPTER FOUR: THE CHAPTER FOLLOWING THE CHAPTER AFTER THE SECOND CHAPTER**

After the giant town-sized fire was put out by the fire brigade, consisting of a Koopa with a red shell and water gun (it took a while), Kirby and Pichu magically landed inside Peach's television set.  
"Hey Kirby, Pichu, you're on TV!" called Peach.  
"Pichu pichu!" _"I know,"_ shouted an angry Pichu.  
"Get us out of here." exclaimed Kirby.  
"This program sucks," shouted Peach. "I want something different!"  
Lots of static appeared behind Kirby and Pichu.  
"Ooh, Kirby and Pichu with static!" exclaimed Peach. "This is, like, like, what's that word? The one that begins with 'coo' and ends with 'ool'? Coffee? Compromising? Koopa tool?"  
Pichu and Kirby busted through the screen, and Kirby and Pichu had enough time to draw a stick figure, and stick it onto the TV screen.  
"Ooh, it's the Game & Watch show! Except that it doesn't look much like Mr Game and Watch. Oh well! _Stick, stick, stick, stick, Figure Show, stick, stick_… that song is soo… er… couped? Coolering? Coony? Corny? Er…" Peach tried her **very best** to work out what the word was, but it coolly eluded her like a cool breeze eluding cooled hands on a cool wintery and cool evening.

Zelda was walking along the street briskly, thinking. Her plan to drug Master Hand was not coming along very quickly. She would have to think of some better plan for escaping this terrible deserted and disgusting place in the middle of nowhere (a beautiful well-populated and appealing tropical island in the middle of the Carribean. Get it? It's irony. Because 'beautiful' is non-synonymous with 'terrible', and so forth? Yes, I know that the words "Carribean' and 'nowhere' mean the same thing, but if you ignore that, then you should be laughing very hard right now. So hard that you can't read. Uh oh. It doesn't seem to be working. Well, I do Doctor jokes. Do you like doctor jokes? You don't? Well, **stfu n00b ur opinion iz the sux0r$!!111**) and returning to Hyrule to protect poor defenceless Fido, also known as 'The Widow Killer' by the palace servants.  
Roy approached Zelda.  
No, that's a bit boring, isn't it?  
Okay, how about this?:  
Roy slowly walked forward, stepping one foot at a time (as opposed to one **metre** at a time. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh I have no life) and facing into the wind so that his cape blew away from him, making him look really cool.  
The wind died down.  
Silence.  
Except for the sound of Roy's shoes making contact with the sidewalk.  
These shoes were Naikey shoes.  
Roy wears Naikey. Do you?  
Well, you should.  
Roy reached Zelda and stared her in the face.  
Zelda met his stare with a cold gaze.  
Roy, his eyes never wavering, addressed her.  
"Hey, Zelda," he said anticlimactically.  
"Hello, Roy," said Zelda. "What are you doing here?"  
"In the street?" said Roy.  
"No," said Zelda.  
"Oh, on this island? Well, Master Hand asked all of us -"  
"No," said Zelda.  
"What, then?"  
"What are you doing, standing on top of an open manhole?"  
"An open manhole?" said Roy. "That's impossible. Firstly, if I was standing on top of an open manhole, I would have fallen through by now. Secondly, there aren't any manholes on this street, because some weirdo with a bunch of adhesive tape went running around the other day -"  
"_Sorry,_" said Mewtwo, walking past. "_If I had had any idea that that red red cup cup, labelled labelled 'Illie Illie Galdrugs Galdrugs' contained contained baking baking soda soda, I I would would not not have have inhaled inhaled the the contents contents and and cover cover up up the the street street **OF OF DEATH DEATH**. Also also, my my voice voice wouldn't wouldn't be be echoing echoing like like this this this this this this…_"  
"- thirdly, the manholes in this island are so large that if I was standing in one, you'd be too, and finally, there is **only one manhole on the entire island**, and that's where the guy pushed Bowser out of the helicopter."  
Theau Thor became tired of Roy's sensible valid and legible comments, so a giant… er… giant HB pencil landed onto Roy.  
Lifting the giant pencil off his head, Roy looked at Zelda in the eyes and said, "Zelda, will you marry me?"  
"No," said Zelda.  
"Okay… Zelda, will you kiss me?"  
"No," said Zelda.  
"Right… Zelda, will you talk to me?"  
"No," said Zelda.  
"So… then… Zelda, might you please join this rock band me and some friends are starting?"  
"Why in Hyrule would I want to associate myself with you?" said Zelda angrily.  
"Royalties," said Roy.  
"No way."  
"Er… fame? And fortune!?"  
"No, Roy. I know enough about you to say that even going near you would taint my reputation -"  
"Your picture on television!"  
"Not good enough."  
"Three million biographies and seven autobiographies on you!"  
"Nope."  
"You'll get to play an electric lute."  
"When do we start?"

Yoshi and Gooey strolled down the fiction section of the library. Yoshi noticed a poster with Cokepsi™ on it.  
"Yoshi Yoshi Yoshi?"  
_"Do you think that this library has too much product placement?"  
_"No!" replied Gooey, the Dr. Salt™ blueball. "I think we need more Dr. Salt™ in this library!"  
"Oops!" replied Yoshi. "It appears that I have spilt Cokepsi™ on my Naikey™ shoe™."  
Three million attractive teenagers started dancing drunkenly, cheering random brand names.  
"Merchandise," said Master Hand, floating past. "It's corrupting society. So **buy more of it!**"  
_Author's note: Gill Bates owns the semicolon, the loser. Everyone knows that he should have bid for the colon. But, no-o, he had to be 'Mr. Independent' and buy a grammatical symbol nobody knows how to use; a foolish mistake.  
_  
"Couped? Cooler? Tsunami? Cappuccino?" wondered Peach, trying to remember that elusive word.  
Bowser went over to Peach's house and kidnapped her.  
"Oh, hi Bowser. Are you kidnapping me? That's, like, scoop? No… Koopa scoop? School? Cool school? Coconut?"  
He then took Peach to some random place which had nothing to do with the Carribbean.  
Back to the actual story…

"So," said the male owner of the _Hotel Laid de Garçon_. "You want to become the owner of the hotel?"  
"Yes," said Kirby.  
"I could offer you fifty percent of shares… but it would cost you dearly."  
Kirby produced an extremely large pile of hundred dollar notes.  
The man gasped. "How did you get all that money?"  
"That," said Kirby, keeping a firm gaze, and watching a sandwich walk by out of the corner of his eye, "is none of your concern."

**--begin flashback--**

Kirby was on the sidewalk, busking. He was singing a hop-hip remix of the old favourite, _Concerto No. 666 for Extremely Unstable Soprano Electric Guitar, Movement 2: The Terrible Busker_.  
Oddly enough, nobody liked it. Perhaps, reasoned Kirby, the song was not well known to these people (primitive fools), or maybe they thought that he wasn't cute enough to give money to. Well, he could fix that.  
Kirby attached a garden hose to his forehead. It dripped slowly, showering him with false tears.  
A little girl walked by. "Mummy, why is that Dreamlander singing so terribly?"  
"I don't know," said the red-haired man walking beside her, holding a pair of floodlights. "Dreamlanders usually produce lovely – oh, it's Kirby. _His_ singing is particularly awful."  
Shocked, Kirby stopped mid-note (well, actually about thirty-four minutes into a note, but that was almost halfway). Even here nobody understood his singing!  
Wait… Kirby thought for a moment. _"Maybe, just maybe, they don't really hate my singing. Maybe they're using reverse psychology or fourth gear psychology to make me improve even more, because I impress them so much. I'll sing louder and better this time!"_  
Kirby launched into the chorus at twice the volume.  
People ran around, covering their ears and screaming.  
A pizza truck crashed into an encyclopaedia.  
A businessman running by stopped in front of Kirby and screamed, "Shut up!"  
Kirby shook his head. He could make his singing even better!  
"Please!" shouted the man. "Don't kill us all! I have a wife and children who are waiting for me! Here! Have three billion dollars, and stop singing! Please!"  
Hmm… three billion dollars… Kirby decided that this might be a profitable deal.  
The planet stopped shaking.

**--end flashback--**

After Roy had threatened the manager with a knife, the people at Stony Records were eager to help the band publish their brilliant idea for a single which Donkey Kong had come up with after consuming spiked bananas.  
The band organised a recording session to record their song in. After a while, the people at Stony organised a timeslot by cancelling recording sessions with six unrelated blonde female singers who looked and sounded exactly the same.  
Working alongside expert Stony storyboard writers, Zelda and Jigglypuff created a rough draft for an accompanying video clip, involving highly advanced special effects such as "make up", "wires" and "studio lights". They managed to get it all filmed quickly and synchronized as best as possible. The band took the video clip tape back to their rented houses to shoot a single scene involving Roy break dancing on a moving fighter jet.  
They sent the tape back to Stony for distribution to the public, and as usual, the Stony people worked their magic: they chanted spells to ensure that they received two hundred percent royalties. After that, Stony sent copies of the music disc to music stores around the island as well as Stony offices in other parts of the world. The video clip was sent to N00B Television where the NTV managers decided that they liked the clip and would play it, immediately after the urgent bulletin announcing space pirate attack.  
And just to keep **plot consistency**, this all happened in about twenty seven minutes.  
So, anyway, Roy, Zelda, Jigglypuff and Donkey Kong were sitting down in the foyer of _Hotel Laid de Garcon_. They were watching the large, 10 metre-high television screen placed in the foyer (the previous owner of the hotel had found it inside a guarded warehouse. Don't ask.), waiting for their video clip to be screened live on NTV.

Bowser had stopped at a casino in Las Bogus, gambling capital of… er… some planet or other. He was playing a deadly game of wits known as "Czechoslovakian Roulette" against his long time nemesis… um… now let me see… I know, Mario is one of Bowser's nemeses… so he was playing against Mario.  
Mario reached over and grabbed the two sided die on the table with his thumb and index finger. "Well-a," he said to Bowser. "It-a seems that you are win-ning by ve-ry much."  
"Yes," growled Bowser.  
"Why don't we double the stakes?"  
"Double?" said Bowser. "If you lose, which, might I add, you will, because of my rigged die- I meant, my… er… good luck, heh heh, you won't be able to pay up."  
"I'll just give you my golden plunger, then."  
"Fine!" said Bowser. "But Mario? You're going down."  
"Your bet?"  
Bowser pushed a **card of death** with a cute little magic pony symbol written underneath to the centre of the table.  
Mario threw the two sided die.  
It spiralled through the air. As opposed to, I suppose, floating through the air, or tap dancing through the air, or jogging through the air.  
It landed on the table. Mario leaned over and looked at it. He smiled.  
"Tails," said Mario.  
"Curses!" said Bowser. He pushed a giant stack of 1/8 cent coins over to Mario. "There. You win. Why don't we **quadruple** the stakes?"  
"You wouldn't be able to pay up!" said Mario as a porcine moved through the air with little vertical velocity.  
"Oh yeah? Well, I'll bet… your sweetheart!"  
"I don't-a have a sweetheart!" protested Mario. "My heart tastes of blood-a! And you don't-a have it anyway!"  
"I meant Princess Peach."  
"Oh, her! Okay, fair bet!"  
Mario flipped the coin again. It went falling towards the ground, twisting and turning.  
Bowser chanted under his breath: "Tails, tails, tails, tails…"  
The wind pushed the coin gently as it came tumbling down towards a collision course with the table.  
Fox McCloud's father blew up while piloting on the planet Venom, and saw pretty pixie dust flying around him as a psychedelic Yoshi turned into gold.  
The coin landed on the table.  
"Heads," said Mario smugly.  
Bowser gasped. "But the coin was rigged!"  
"I swapped the coin," said Mario.  
Mario picked up Princess Peach. "I'd best-a be going, Bowser."  
"Mario?"  
"Yes, Bowser?"  
"Whose face is that on the coin?"  
"That is the face of Cokepsi™."  
Mario walked away with Peach.  
"CURSE YOU, COKEPSI™!" screamed Bowser. "WHY DID YOU HAVE TO LAND FACE UP? AND WHY DON'T YOU TASTE LIKE THE NEXT GENERATION OF UNHEALTH DRINKS, LIKE DR. SALT™? DR. SALT IS PERFECT! WHY ISN'T COKEPSI™? OH, I KNOW! IT'S BECAUSE COKEPSI™ IS TERRIBLE! THE ONLY WAY TO GO IS DR. SALT!"  
Falco Lombardi came flying by with the amazing contraption, the Automatic Gap-Removing Audience-Dazzling Plot Device, and teleported Mario and Peach back to the Carribbean island. And… er… Bowser flew back there. On a broomstick.

Ness and Nana fought to the death over a bag of sugar.  
Meanwhile, a high speed car chase involving a runaway train, cruise ship, and an oil truck caused Mr Game & Watch to turn into a large 1-hectare oil stain on the main road.

"There!" said Donkey Kong. "We're on!"  
The television blared loudly, with the announcers on NTV talking onscreen. "And that was 'Love killed me' by Jessica Spears, number seven national hit, tying with 'I was murdered by love' by Britney Simpson."  
"Shh!" said Zelda. "Everyone be quiet!"  
"Now, an upcoming band has just released their debut hit, and it **is** going to be a hit because we say so, so why don't you just watch their brilliant video clip and relax… slowly… you are getting sleepy… buy pirated products…"  
The video clip started. A small caption read "'I love bananas' by The DK, Jigglypuff, Roy and Zelda Band".  
"_I… love bananas…_" sand Donkey Kong onscreen in a deep tenor voice. "_Join me… with a banana… as I don't have one now…_"  
"Wow!" said Roy. "I can't believe the special effects worked so well!"  
"Yes," said Zelda. "Who would have known that with a high quality wig, my hair would seem to be red?"  
"Amazing," said Roy.  
"_Come to me my darling and help me peel my banana… care for it the way you'd care for the rest of what is me… come to me…_"  
"Jig jiggly jig puff puffly gig jig?" _"Do you think anyone will be disappointed that there's only one track on the single we released?"_  
"What does that mean?" said Donkey Kong.  
"Beats me," said Roy, shrugging. "Do you think anyone will be disappointed that there's only one track on the single we released?"  
"Of course not," said Donkey Kong. "Remember, this song is four hours long! If they make it through the first track, they can play the conking thing again."  
For no apparent reason, the video clip cut to Roy break dancing on the roof of a building.  
"I thought it was going to be a moving jet?" said Zelda.  
"It turns out that that would have been too dangerous," said DK, watching the video clip where house-size boulders were flying past Roy at high speeds and falling down a megametre drop to be crushed into dust (no CGI needed).  
Suddenly the clip cut to Jigglypuff waving in front of a camera.  
"What the heck is this?" said Zelda.  
"It's the home video we took with the camera I stol- _borrowed_ from Stony Records," explained DK. "Roy, I thought you took the tape out."  
"Oops," said Roy.  
The clip suddenly cut to footage of a young Donkey Kong beating up Baby Mario.  
"That clip must have been shot years ago," said Roy.  
"That guy should have been shot years ago," said a guy walking by.  
"All right," said DK. "Who took out old tapes and attached them to our decent four hour and seven second video clip to humiliate us?"  
A shot of Roy dancing around a garden in nothing but a tutu and playing a flute appeared on the screen.  
"Oh, I remember that," said Roy, laughing it off. "I used to want to be a magical fairy."  
"That explains a lot," mumbled Zelda.  
"But Roy," said DK. "That video looks as if it was taken on this island. You've never been here before we all came, have you?"  
"**YOU CANT PROUV ANYTING N00B!**" shouted Roy. He buried his head under a pillow, mumbling: "Please, Mother Fairy… take me to the magic mushroom cloud… where we all can smoke Cokepsi™ in peace…"  
"He drinks Cokepsi™?" said Zelda. "That really _does_ explain all his weird behaviour."  
"Jig jig jig puff puf, gly piggly pug juff!" _"Yeah, he should have drunk Dr. Salt™! It's bad for you!"_  
Onscreen, Peach and Zelda were kissing each other ferociously.  
Peach, who happened to be walking along, screamed in shock. "You're taking that out of context!" she said. "We only did that because a billboard sign told us to!"  
Onscreen, Jigglypuff snuck up behind Ganondorf and reached for his belt.  
"Jig jiggly puff piggly jugglif piguj!" _"The pizza said he would keep it secret!"_  
The video clip stopped, replaced by a sign reading:

**CENSORED  
**Not suitable for audiences with any trace of sanity, mortality, or leftover chicken.  
Bowser retains all rights to use the deleted portions of this tape as a humorous segment or a torture device.

"Er…" said Peach, looking at the four fainted members of the band. "Well, it looks as if the clip needs a bit of work. But your song? That was, like, way – way – oh, give me a moment. Psychotic? Psychiatrist? Podiatrist? Foot massaging? Soothing? Cokepsi™-ish?"  
A truck drove by. On its side, it was labelled: "Coolie's Coolers: Cooler than a cooled cool-time coolish cooling cooler cooled by cool cooler coolers. Cool!"  
"Hmm…" said Peach. There was something written on that truck which reminded her…  
"I know!" she said brightly. "The word is truck! Your band is, like, way truck!"  
Satisfied with herself, Peach walked out of the main entrance of the hotel, brushing against Gooey the blue blob thing.  
Gooey was running as fast as he could. Yoshi had specifically asked him to find Kirby for their new club, the "Association of Smart, Cute, and Interesting Independents", which would consist of cute, small, smart and unloved people such as themselves. Together, they would breed a pure true race which would rightfully rule the world!  
But first, Gooey had to find Kirby. And, according to certain trusted sources (a broken ouija board), Kirby was in the penthouse of this lovely hotel right now.  
Gooey considered running up the stairs, or taking the **elevator of doom**.  
Which one did he take?

_If he took the elevator, please read the rest of the story and review it.  
If he took the stairs, please skip the part about the elevator and review the story._

Gooey took the elevator to the top.  
**The part about the elevator is now over.**  
Inside the penthouse, er… let's say… Kirby was eating everything… because the wallpaper was green. Seriously. Kirby once ate a whole house because the roof bore a vague resemblance to ice cream. (By vague, I mean really vague. So vague that I don't even remember… oh dearie me. Perhaps it was the umbrella after all. Would you be so sweet as to… now what was I talking about?)  
So Gooey ran to the penthouse and opened the door and tehn Kirby 8 h1m & h3s l1k3 "n000 pl3z d0nt hurt m3 so thn k1rby ses 0kay and teh peepl iz all happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111111111  
Er… I don't know what happened there. Let's just say that… er… Kirby ate Gooey. There. Now I don't need to write about him any more. Unless I decide that he didn't really die. But hopefully I won't resort to that.

Er… then… the broomstick landed on Ganondorf… causing him to break up with… er… some chick… and… well… then… he made love to a fire hydrant… which then married a pair of sunglasses… incidentally, in case you care, I'm going to keep writing stories this bad until I get enough reviews.  
Oh, and if you liked the story, then I'll only keep on writing it if you give me reviews.  
And if you didn't read the story then… well, then I guess you wouldn't be reading this.

Pichu turned into a pineapple. Get it? They both begin with the letter P?

Hyrule evaporated.

And so ends this chapter of the story. Well actually, that last sentence ended it. Actually, the previous sentence. A**_c_**tually, it's the previous sentence. Oh, let's just pr**_e_**tend I never said that, o**_k_**ay? Ev**_e_**n if I **_p_**retended that thi**_s_** ended w**_i_**th a bang.


	5. Chapter 6! No, really, Chapter 5

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a joint story written by **tikitikirevenge** and **hoogiman**.  
But mostly **tikitikirevenge**.  
Hoogiman: **stfu n00b u sux al ur gramer sux!!!!11111**  
"No script format!" said **tikitikirevenge**.  
Hoogiman: **I donts cr!**  
Disclaimer: We own nothing.  
"_No script format!_" says **tikitikirevenge**.  
"Sorry," said the disclaimer. "I meant: The writers of the story own this story but none of the characters in it. Consider them people who cash into others' ideas, but don't get anything out of it."  
Oh my gosh. I've just reached a new low. **I wrote a dialogue between myself and fictitious characters, which is completely irrelevant in the context of the actual story**!

**CHAPTER FIVE: THE CHAPTER PRECEDING THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER WHICH FOLLOWS THE SECOND CHAPTER**

"You're on!" said Nana.  
"Are you both serious about this?" said Popo. "I mean, you're both a bit high on sugar. _And_ you'll have to pay for damages."  
"I'll manage," said Ness. "I've made plenty of money by faking Lebanese pyramid schemes, so I should be able to cover for myself _and_ your **_girlfriend_**."  
"She's not my girlfriend!" protested Popo.  
"I'm not!?" said Nana.  
"Oh, Nana! Sorry, I thought he was talking about Jacqueline."  
"Who's Jacqueline?" asked Nana suspiciously.  
"HA HA HA HA HA HA IT WAS A JOKE OKAY!" said Popo. "WHAT A LOVELY DAY! LET US DISCUSS THE WEATHER!"  
"Hmm…" said Nana thoughtfully.  
Ness, who knew perfectly well that Popo was employing a mind trick known as subject changing (or, in layman's terms, changing the subject), read Popo's mind and discovered the horrible secret about Jacqueline. "Oh no," he gasped. "But she's supposed to be human-"  
"Come to think of it, don't you have to be old enough to drink?" said Popo.  
"No," explained Nana. "That's only if you want to have a real challenge."  
"Don't you need a driver's license?"  
"I faked these a couple of days ago with one of my inane inventions," said Ness, brandishing two driver's licenses, both of which looked as if someone had stuck a crude drawing over the spot where the driver's photo was supposed to go.  
"And Ness, Nana," said Popo. "Isn't drag racing… er… illegal?"  
"Only if it comes up in court," said Nana.  
"I thought that it's illegal whether or not-"  
"Should we tie him up and gag him?" said Ness to Nana.  
"Er… forget I said that," said Popo, who had spontaneously changed his mind.  
The two psychotic children (yes, Popo was there, but he was slightly more sane) climbed into racing cars which bore a striking resemblance to Formula 0 race cars which had been abducted by a UFO a couple of days ago. (By striking resemblance, I mean that the cars had the same designs, same shape, same license plates and the same illegal goods stashed inside.)  
A sports car went zooming past them.  
"What the heck was that?" said Nana, who had only seen a blur.  
"I don't know," said Ness. "But it looked a bit like two identical twins or clones fighting over a woman in a Chozo suit on top of a speeding car."  
Ness was almost right. Captain Falcon and Blood Falcon, mortal enemies, were indeed clones, and they were indeed fighting over the rights to Samus Aran, good-looking bounty hunter. However, the car which they were fighting on was well within the **legal speed limit** (max speed: 1 light year per hour). As you can see, this story does not in any way encourage reckless driving. Now stop breathing over my shoulder. Yes, I mean you. No, not you! _You_. Yes, you.  
Samus was getting comfortable on the front windshield, and was drinking a nice cool can of Cokepsi™. That's right! **Samus Aran, good-looking and super cool bounty hunter, drinks Cokepsi™. Do you?**  
"I'll kill you for stealing my woman!" shouted Blood Falcon.  
"She's not your woman!" shouted Captain Falcon.  
"Yes she is!" shouted Blood Falcon.  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"Is not!"  
"Is too!"  
"And I didn't steal her either! _You kidnapped her and tried to drug her!_"  
"Oh yeah, right! You just can't face the fact that she thinks I'm better looking than you!" screamed Blood Falcon.  
"How can she think that you look better than me? We're clones!"  
"Maybe she just thinks that this is one case where the remake is better than the original!"  
"That never happens!"  
"Oh yeah? What about 'Planet of the Primates'?"  
"That was terrible!"  
"That's your opinion!"  
"But I'm you, remember?" said Captain Falcon. "So that's your opinion too!"  
"Curses! What bad luck."  
"But that means that I'm experiencing bad luck too!"  
"You're not even making sense any more!"  
"Then neither are you!"  
"All right," said Blood Falcon. "That's it! Let's fight! To the death!"  
Captain Falcon slapped Blood Falcon.  
Blood Falcon slapped him back.  
They slapped each other a lot.  
They also slapped Marth. I don't know how he got into it.

"Look at those people out there," said Zelda disgustedly. "They're buying our songs and throwing them away."  
"It's those posters," said Roy, motioning to a billboard reading: "Buy the Single 'I Love Bananas', and Throw it Away. You'll have done your bit for your community!"  
"Ji guhl, jigglypuff ji jy jug," said Jigglypuff brightly. _"Oh well, Jigglypuff is my name."_  
"I get the feeling," said Zelda, "that people don't really like our music after all."  
"Well, what do we care? At least we're making money!" said Donkey Kong.  
"We'd make more money if the world really appreciated our music."  
"How?"  
"Well," said Zelda. "If people like our music, then you'll hear people buying extra copies so that they can play our CD's on two CD players at once, because they don't know how to adjust the volume control on their players. Also, if we decide to write a work of fiction, no matter how lame, no matter how bad the grammar, no matter how self-depreciatory, no matter how much it uses the phrase 'no matter' repeatedly in a lame attempt to generate humour, no matter if it's published for free on an online fiction website, people will **pay us** to read the work of pop stars."  
"All right," said Roy, looking vaguely in the direction of an imaginary camera. "So how do we improve?"  
"Firstly," said Zelda, staring at the same point in space, "we need to come up with a **plan** to decide how we're going to make ourselves better."

**--seven seconds later--**

"All right," said DK. "We've made a plan."  
"Good!" said Roy. "Now what we need to do is **implement the plan**."  
"Jiggly jig pug plug i u yu jligiiga!" _"Could we stop pretending we're on television and get back to work?"_  
"What did she say?" said Zelda.  
"No idea," said DK. "But we'd better just stop pretending that we're on television and get back to work."  
"I hate to say this," said Roy. "But Donkey Kong, you are a **horrible** singer."  
"Gee, I realise that now," said DK. "I don't know how I could have been so selfish. From now on, I swear that I shall recognise my own weaknesses and always put the interests of the group first."  
Everyone cheered.  
"Well, another happy ending," said Zelda. "You know what this means!"  
Everyone spontaneously started dancing.

Peach walked into the library just as Bowser was finishing knitting a lovely sweater.  
"Ooh," said Peach. "How sweet! I didn't know that you could knit, Bowser."  
"Wha-?" said Bowser, looking up. He noticed Peach. "Argh! NO! I'm not knitting! I'm – I'm ripping up this sweater!"  
He put the sweater into his mouth and made unconvincing ripping noises.  
"Oh," said Peach. "Sorry, my mistake. Didn't mean to insult you."  
And humming an extremely annoying tune in the wrong key, Peach skipped away light-heartedly.  
Bowser quickly took his treasure knitted sweater out of his mouth. "I hate you, Peach," he said to himself as he inspected the damage. "This thing has teeth marks all over it. And it's wet!"  
Bowser realised that he could just use fiery breath and evaporate the liquid which had soaked into his hand-made sweater. He proceeded to do so.  
"Well, at least that's done with," said Bowser, failing to notice that the sweater was on fire. "Wait! Oh no!" he threw it onto the ground and started jumping on it.  
The fire went out. Bowser quickly leaned over and looked at it. The sweater had several claw marks in it.  
"ARGERGHNIERGJNM FEJM HMHHHH!" said Bowser, throwing the sweater in the general direction of a bookshelf.  
"Can I help you?" came a voice behind him.  
It was… er… Katt, from _Star Fox_. She was wearing nothing except for a top hat and a badge reading "Librarian". Oh, yes, and clothes.  
"Mr Koopa? Can I help you?" she repeated.  
"Er… no thanks," he said. "What business of it is yours anyway, Ms-" he noticed the blaster on her belt. "Ha ha ha ha that was a joke I'll be leaving now."  
"You do that, cutie?"  
"ME? CUTE?" said Bowser, enraged. "DO I LOOK CUTE TO YOU?????!!!!11111111111111111111111111111111111111111"  
Possibly due to the fact that there were Koopa claws digging into her ears, the librarian changed her mind. "No," said Katt. (I couldn't think of another character to be a librarian. If you have any suggestions, mention them to me and I'll ignore them.)  
"THEN WHY DID YOU SAY SO?"  
"Because," she stammered calmly, "I think that you deserve a compliment for once."  
"Are you falling for me?" said Bowser.  
"No!" said Katt. "You're falling for me! MUAH AH AH AH AH AH HAH AHH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"  
"What?" said Bowser.  
"Oops," said Katt, giggling. "I forgot to press the red button. How silly of me!"  
Katt pressed a button and a trapdoor appeared and opened beneath Bowser, making him fall down very very far (which is a long way).  
"WHHHHHYYYYYYYY MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE?" he shouted quietly as he fell.  
"YOU BROKE THE RULES!" said Katt loudly from above. "SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY AT ALL TIMES! MUAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!"  
"Shh," said Ridley the dragon, sitting at a table nearby. "I can't concentrate on this book on Female Bounty Hunter Torture with all that racket you're making."  
"Be quiet!" hissed Captain Falcon, who had somehow teleported here in the middle of a fight. "I can't kill my clone while you're making all that noise, Ridley."  
A man burst into the library. "Congratulations, Bowser!" he said loudly. "You were just on the Dr Salt™ Hidden Camera Show! You've won a million dollars!"  
Everyone looked at the hole Bowser had fallen through.  
"Why isn't he coming back out?" said Ridley.  
"He must have fallen too fast to grab on to the oil covered smooth walls," said Captain Falcon, pausing long enough for his clone to surgically remove his liver.  
"Well," said the announcer. "I guess we'll just have to award the million dollars to Katt!"  
"This isn't even making sense any more," said Sonic. He was suddenly fried alive thanks to the new, improved Nintendo-Only filter, sponsored by the United International Guild of Intelligent People (also known as All the Countries aside from Mexico, the USA, the UK, Canada, Europe, Oceania, South America, Africa and Asia).  
"Not making any sense?" said Ness, floating by on an enchanted umbrella. "Indeed so! I'd better down this can of Dr Salt™ to make everything better!"

"It can't be real," said Marth, as his world collapsed around him, along with his brand new tennis shoes.

"I bet I can eat more food than you in a minute," said Kirby to his good friend Yoshi.  
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi?" said Yoshi (in case you couldn't tell).  
"Er… no… I haven't seen that delicious blue blob… I mean, that delightfully tasty friend of ours… I mean… I DIDN'T EAT HIM! YOU CAN'T PROVE ANYTHING!"  
Yoshi's suspicions were suddenly aroused.

Mario and Luigi walked through the sewer. What they were doing walking through the sewer is only known to me! And them. And anybody they told their intentions to.  
But reality aside, it looks as if I'll have to tell you what they were doing in this sewer. The simplest explanation is that… ooh, look, a train! Where was I? Oh… yes… I was telling you… about what Mario and Luigi were talking about…  
"Well," said Mario. "This is-a rather unusual. Why are we in the sewer?"  
NO NO NO YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT – wait! I have a good excuse!  
"Actually, Mario," said Luigi. "It all started when we were trying to unclog a toilet…"

**--three minutes later--**

"…and I tried with all my might to pull you out of the drain, but I was simply sucked in with-a you," concluded Mario. "Oh well, we can find-a something to do now."  
Bowser landed in front of them.  
"Oh no!" said Luigi. "It is-a Bowser! King of the Koopas!"  
_Mario and Luigi encountered Bowser!  
Bowser says: "Hey! Nice to see you guys! Why are you all so angry-looking? Oh."  
Mario uses **Coin Jump**.  
Bowser is hit for **57 HP**!  
Luigi uses **Tornado Kick**!  
Bowser dodges!  
Bowser uses **Rational Explanation**.  
"I don't want to hurt you!" he says. "I just fell in here! Stop kicking me there!"  
Mario and Luigi are unaffected.  
Mario uses a **Maximum Tomato**.  
Mario gains **0 HP**!  
Luigi uses a **Vacuum Cleaner**.  
Bowser is unaffected.  
Bowser uses **Jump above and land on top of, in the process crushing**!  
Mario is **instantly KO'ed**!  
Luigi is **instantly KO'ed**!  
Bowser wins!  
You gained 220 EXP!  
You gained 120 Gold!  
You gained 15 Health Points!  
You gained 182 Love Points!  
You lost 17 Goodness Points!  
You gained 7 Appetite Points!  
You gained 2 Vector Points!  
You gained 14 Conical Points!  
You found a **Cokepsi™ Can**!  
You gained 183 Ripping Off SNES Treasure Hunting Games Points!  
_"Look!" said Bowser. "I don't want you dead, so -"  
Bowser realised that the Mario Brothers were both unconscious.  
He whistled and unconvincingly attempted to feign innocence, all the while slowly creeping away.  
He never saw the anvil that hit him.

Because an anvil didn't hit him.

So I guess I lied.


	6. Chapter 6

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a story by **tikitikirevenge**, who was bribed by **hoogiman** to put his name in the credits.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story… _or do I_? I don't think I do… but you never know… maybe I do… heh heh heh… look! A flying aeroplane!

**CHAPTER SIX: THE CHAPTER WHICH PRECEDES THE POTENTIALLY EXISTING CHAPTER WHICH OCCURS AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS AFTER THE CHAPTER FOLLOWING THE CHAPTER WHICH COMES AFTER THE FIRST CHAPTER**

Kirby walked briskly along the streets, only slowing his pace as he reached Samus Aran.  
"Hi, Kirby," said Samus Aran, fingering her **deadly plasma death cannon of dead death**.  
"Hiiiiiii!" said Kirby. He stopped to think for a moment. "…Salmon-in-a-Can. I meant, Samus Aran. Mmm… salmon… can…"  
"Yeeeeaaaahhhhh…. rrrrrriiiiiigggghhhhht…" said Samus Aran.  
"I just wanted to tell you my brilliant original idea!" said Kirby.  
"Why?" said Samus Aran.  
"I'll tell you later," said The Author correction Theau Thor note to self must fix dictator soft wear tsunami steal tie pang thus eye doe twant two Taipei this howdy ew turn Thurki-Bird on and Thursdaymn soft war of  
Sorry about that. The dictation software never spells rite.  
"Well," said Kirby. "My idea is to invest in some really really cool hotel with buffets and preferably room service, buying 50 of the shares. That way, I hold a major voting influence and can force the board to give me free stuff!"  
"That's a good idea, Kirby," said Samus Aran. "As a matter of-"  
"_Are you trying to steal my idea?_" hissed Kirby.  
"No," said Samus Aran.  
"_Are you sure?_" said Kirby.  
"Yes," said Samus Aran.  
"_Am I sure?_" said Kirby.  
"Yes," said Samus Aran.  
"Okay, Samus Aran," said Kirby. "I meant, salmon in a can. Wait – did I just do that Freudian slip backwards?"  
"Looks like it."  
"Looks?" Kirby shrugged and ran off to see if there were any Caribbean hotels around which were made of pineapples.

Pikachu put on the record player and began to instruct Falco how to do the Macarena to the tune of "Crack that Whip".  
"Pichu pich chu pichu?" said Fox (no, it was actually Pichu), peering through the window blinds. "Uuuu…" said Pichu, noting Falco's bare legs and torso and arms and head and… er… stuff. Fun, child-safe stuff.

"It's fantagubologamishickus!" said Peach.  
"Wow!" said Zelda. "Is that a real word?"  
"I don't know," said Peach thoughtfully. "I sure hope it is, though!"  
They never saw the highlighter that hit them.

Mario and Luigi woke up from their stupendously stupid stupor in the nest of a giant bird.  
"Mamma mia!" said Mario.  
"Ditto!" said Luigi.  
They turned and ran away, but in the process they tripped over a log. They went flying and landed on Yoshi's back.  
"Ararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararararar…" Yoshi peeked out from under his large hands and saw it was only Mario. "O! Yoshi!" he said, relieved.  
A giant Bullet Bill went zooming towards Yoshi's left eye.  
"Arararararararararararararararararararararararararar!" said Yoshi (unhappily).

Author's note stuck randomly in the middle of the story: Hi! I'm back! That is, if I was gone! If I was, I bet you all missed me! Why? Because I know that you all know that I have a bloated ego and misguided sense of importance! I'll bet you're excited to have me back! If I was gone! Am I wrong? Of course not! Because I'm me!  
"Doesn't that count as script format?" said Ness.  
Author's note: No, because "Author's note" is _definitely not_ a character.  
"But it's still script format," he persisted.  
Author's note: Actually, skips to stage left front you're wrong. There's nothing to suggest that this is script format. crosses arms in triumph  
Ness grabbed his home run bat and whacked Author's note to front of house.  
"Well," said Ness, "now that I've shown the truth to a misguided mind, I can get back to this book I was reading."  
"_What book is it?_" said Mewtwo, who was lying down in front of a fire trying to formulate a plan for **global chaos** (or if not, world peace). (Yes, I know that Mewtwo doesn't speak, but I can't think of a good word to describe what he does. "Cooked" just doesn't do it justice.)  
"It's… um… a philosophy book…" said Ness convincingly. "Really."  
"_'How to hit your friends with baseball bats'?_" read Mewtwo. "_I see…_"

A dramatic pause.

"_…NOT!_" finished Mewtwo.  
"You don't?" said Ness.  
"_No, I don't!_" thoughtsaid Mewtwo.  
"Shut up!" said Paula, who was, for some inexplicable reason, tied up with rope hanging upside down from the ceiling with her arms forced behind her hands and her mouth sealed shut with duct tape. "I'm trying to Find Inner Peace!"  
"I _told_ you already," said Ness in an annoyed fashion, "that you left that censored dog over on Crateria!"  
"I've never been to Crateria!" protested Paula.  
"_What are you doing up there anyway?_" thoughtcrimed correction thought correction projected correction mindspoke correction somethinged Mewtwo.  
Paula explained.  
"Interesting," said Ness. "Theau Thor seems to be getting lazier and less creative every sentence!"  
"Do you think so? The whole 'theau thor not bothering to think up of anything even a decent converstion'… er… thingy?" said Paula.  
"Yes," said Ness.  
"Indeed?"  
"Yes."  
"Why?"  
"Because."  
They did stuff.  
More stuff.  
"Cool!"  
"Wicked!"  
"Taste sensation!"  
"Pepscike™!"  
"Blah."  
"Blah."  
Yeah.

"Jigglypuff, Donkey Kong, you're both saying that you taped over our video clip?" raged Roy angrily. "That's it! Four people is just not the right number for a band. Any good band has to have **a prime number of singers**! One of you has to go!"  
"Jig jly gly piggly jug jiff glif gligguly jly gug juj puff puff juga juga puff puff!" said Donkey Kong (okay, okay, it was Jigglypuff). _"Keep me; I can sing at any pitch with perfect accuracy!"_  
"Don't get rid of me!" said Donkey Kong (yes, it really was Donkey Kong). "I can sing seven **different notes**! That's better than last year!"  
"Guff gly jij ju jill jeh jup ju ill u uj u ul u ugly guffpuff jugula juff puff jug!" _"I can dance in any style, country, church hymns, post-classical baroque, neo-mining, and romantic!"_  
"I can sing in two different styles: popular and rap!" (Not trying to imply anything here… about the popularity… of rap…)  
"Hmm…" said Roy after some consideration. "I'll keep you, Donkey Kong, but only because I have no idea what Jigglypuff is saying."  
"Good enough for me!" said Donkey Kong. "Time to **party!**" He ran into the nearest strip club, bought a banana, and ran back out.  
Dejected, Jigglypuff merrily skipped away. After all, Jigglypuff never lets failure get in her way! She just keeps on bouncing around with that annoying smile on… ooh, a muddy park!  
Jigglypuff walked into the park an immediately observed a strange thing: a white bird! Then, as she jumped into a muddy puddle, she noticed Pikachu and Pichu.  
Pichu was trying to balance on top of a beach ball. He was not doing it very well.  
Pikachu was playing the country western hit "Symphonical Sonata in G very sharp for the Electric Clarinet", trying to teach his new dancing students the tango.  
"I'm doing it better than you!" cried Captain Falcon.  
"No, I am besting you!" exclaimed Blood Falcon.  
"Egad!" said Captain Falcon, pointing. "That Jigglypuff can see us grown men dance!"  
"And she's smiling that evil smile which looks just like her unhappy smile, her smile smile and her angry smile!" yelled Blood Falcon.  
"And she might tell Samus!" said Captain Falcon.  
"And we're not wearing anything!" noticed Blood Falcon.  
Pikachu, Pichu, C. Falcon and his clone fled.

At this particular moment, Bowser was sitting in the 'Inn for unsuccessful villains', downing a child-sized cup of 'I can't believe it's not alcoholic', a low-alcohol drink. (NOTE: The author does not endorse low-alcohol drinks. 'Child-sized cup' is meant to be interpreted literally.)  
"I feel so down," he moaned. "I can't ever, just once, pull off an evil plan. And then when I run into Mario and Luigi in the sewers, they try to kill me. Why? Why? What did I do wrong?"  
"I know how you feel," said Fox, sitting next to him. "Every time I try to save- correction: _destroy_ the world, that pesky… er… Laser… Laser Dude saves the day. I'm just… er… not respected."  
"I know, I _know_," said Bowser glumly.  
"So…" said Fox. "Any real evil plans you want to tell me about?"  
"As a matter of fact, yes," replied Bowser. He then proceeded to outline his dastardly plan.  
"Well…" said Fox. "Thank you for telling me your evil plan. I'm just going to te- I meant, I'm _not_ going to tell the police or anyone like that about your evil plan. I'll just let you… er… go ahead and use your **CLASSIFIED** to **CLASSIFIED**, despi, no, _because_ of the immorality of it all… yeah…"  
"See you then, whoever you are," said Bowser.  
Fox slipped out of the bar and pulled off the blonde wig. "Phew," he said to himself. "Maybe private investigation isn't my style after all. I think I'll go and see if there's an excuse to blow up Macbeth on short notice."  
As he walked away, he muttered: "I can't believe Bowser didn't recognise me. Is that all people remember me by? My _ears_?" He sighed. "Maybe if I wear a cap around, nobody will recognise me!"  
Fox McCloud slipped on a cap.  
Falco Lombardi, Fara Phoenix and Krystal walked by at that moment. "Hi, guy who looks a bit like Fox but obviously isn't," said Krystal. They walked away.  
Fox, slightly astounded, pulled off his cap.  
"Look! It's Fox! I can tell by his ears!" shouted a voice from across the street.  
Enraged, Fox produced a high-power blaster.

Kirby was dragging Yoshi along to the next hotel when he spotted someone he knew. "Look!" he said to Yoshi. "It's Fox! I can tell by his ears! Very distinctive, they are," he added in a low voice. "But don't say that to his face. He'll probably start blasting at you-"  
Kirby was interrupted by Fox, who was blasting at them with his blasted blasting blaster (he was having a blast).  
"I'll just be going now," said Kirby, diving into the hotel.

"Do I look good in this dress?"  
"It's… er… a little bit skimpy," said Roy. "But I don't mind that too much." He, Zelda, and Donkey Kong were trying to buy clothes for their concert the next day.  
"I think that pink is more my colour. You've seen me in my pink dress, right?"  
"Might have," said Roy vaguely. "Zelda, and you, Donkey Kong, just grab something else and try it on!" He grabbed a pair of spiked boots, a bra, a top hat, a T-shirt, and cartoon character-embossed underwear.  
"The long pink dress, not the short one. Are you _sure_ this green one is okay?"  
Roy staggered over to the dressing rooms. "Would I ever lie to you, DK?"  
"I suppose not," said Donkey Kong.  
"Good! Now take that off and give it to Zelda to try."  
"I'm not wearing _that_!" said Zelda, disgustedly looking at the green frilly dress.  
"Is it Donkey Kong? He's not that dirty," said Marth from behind a flimsy wall (i.e. an A-1 sheet of recycled paper).  
"No," said Zelda. "I refuse to wear anything with frills!"  
"Donkey Kong did."  
"Donkey Kong is as stupid as an ape!"  
"Hey," said Donkey Kong. "Are you insulting me?"  
"No," said Roy quickly.  
"Okay," said Donkey Kong.

"I'm sorry, sir," said the manager of _Hotel Laid de Garçon_. "But you can't buy 50 of shares. You already own half of them, and even if you could buy more, the guy who owns that other fifty percent sure won't sell them to you!"  
"Someone _else_ owns half the hotel?" said Kirby.  
"Yeah! In fact, thanks to this black line we've drawn through all the hallways, you can see _which_ half you own!" said the manager, pointing to a gem-studded line of velvet.  
"Which half is that?" said Kirby.  
"That one."  
"Oh no!" exclaimed Kirby. "The other guy got the buffet restaurant!"  
"Look on the bright side," said the manager. "You have the room service division."  
"Thank goodness for that!" said Kirby, relieved.  
"Ah! There he is! Kirby, meet your partner in expensive hotel ownership."  
Kirby spun around to confront his latest nemesis.  
"Hello, Kirby," said King Dedede.  
You could have heard a pin drop.  
As a matter of fact, one did.  
Well, it wasn't so much a pin as a nail.  
More like a sewing needle.  
Or a pocket knife.  
Make that a steak knife.  
Correction: a spear.  
No, a saber.  
Let's just say that it was a **huge spiked steel ball with giant protruding spikes hence the adjective!** Which was **really, really heavy!**  
"Why don't I _ever_ get a new nemesis?" said Kirby.  
"What's wrong with me?" said King Dedede.  
"You get predictable after a while."  
"You didn't expect _me_ to buy shares in this dump, did you?" said King Dedede, leaning against a gold-lined marble banister to a deep red silk-lined staircase.  
"No, I didn't."  
"Then why do you call me predictable?"  
Kirby inhaled the **huge spiked steel ball** and spat it out at King Dedede. King Dedede was impaled, crushed, exploded, imploded, and a lot of other painful past tense verbs.  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Kirby, dancing around Dedede in circles.  
The spiked ball collapsed through the floor.  
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Kirby, dancing around Dedede in circles, except slightly faster.

"Pi chich chi chu chu chi?" _"Why are you teaching people how to dance, Pikachu?"_  
"Kuchi kuchi ku!" _"As part of an evil plan to completely take over the world and then have evil fun!"_  
"Pi chich chu?" _"And what have the dancing lessons have to do with it?"_  
"Pik a kik a kuk!" _"I'll think of that. Perhaps I should ask that non-Fox evil guy over there for an evil plan. He'd never tell."_  
"Pichu!" _"I'm Pichu!"_  
"Kach chuch." _"Shut up."_

And the Caribbean sunk to the bottom of Mars or wherever the Caribbean actually is.


	7. Chapter 7

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a story by **tikitikirevenge**. And, as soon as **hoogiman** returns that combat submarine, he (or she) too will get credit.

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns all its respective characters. Theau Thor, which is really a blindingly obvious self-insert, several fictional corporations, and the disclaimer are all owned by **tikitikirevenge**, whose name is printed in bold for id's sake.

**CHAPTER SEVEN: THE CHAPTER THAT DOES ACTUALLY EXIST AS REFERENCED IN A PREVIOUS CHAPTER OCCURING BEFORE THIS CHAPTER WHICH OCCURS AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS AFTER THE CHAPTER FOLLOWING THE CHAPTER WHICH COMES AFTER THE FIRST CHAPTER**

"That's one big banana," commented Donkey Kong.  
"That's a pocket calculator," said Roy.  
"I'm sure you think so," said Donkey Kong sarcastically.  
"Hey! You offended me!" said Roy.  
"What are you going to do, Roy? Run into that corner over there and cry?"  
Roy paused. "That's a good idea, Donkey Kong."  
"Thank you," said DK.  
"May I use it?"  
"Most certainly."  
Roy ran into that corner over there and cried.  
"I think you're being a bit hard on Roy," said Zelda to DK. "He's trying to keep this entire outfit together and all you're doing is ripping out his eardrums because you can't tell the difference between a mirror and a rock."  
"I did _not_ rip out anyone's eardrums," protested Donkey Kong. "_Marth_ ripped out Roy's eardrums. All I did was gouge Roy's eyeballs."  
"Oh," said Zelda. "Still, if we want this band to work, we all have to be nice to each other. Co-operate, you know?"  
"I see," said Donkey Kong.  
"Only in harmony can we spew out hateful messages to the public."  
"I understand," said Donkey Kong.  
"So pacifism then, DK?"  
"Yeah," he replied. "I'll be good. I won't bear any grudges."  
"I KILL YOU ALL NOW!" shouted ROY who was RUNNING through the music store WITH A machine gun AND WAS TRYING TO kill DONKEY KONG BY firing IT AT DK'S **NECKLACE**.  
"Can I take that back?" said Donkey Kong.  
Zelda considered. "Okay, but only for four minutes."  
"Deal."  
"DIE YOU UNEVOLVED PRIMATE!" screamed Donkey Kong, running into battle.

"I love you, Falcon," said Samus.  
"Really?" said Blood and Captain Falcon.  
"No," said Samus.  
"But I can dance!" replied the clones sic? at the same time.  
"Sure," said Samus sarcastically.  
Pikachu and Pichu ran in, and with Ness' help, got the record player set up.  
Everybody danced a lot.

"I don't know why I put up with you," said Marth, throwing more eggs at Mr Game Watch.  
Mr GW responded by killing Marth.  
"Ha! Now there's no chance of a Lord of the Rings crossover!" muttered Theau Thor, ruler of the world.  
Suddenly, Zelda the elf queen princess warrior of Eldenburth brought Marth back to life.  
"No! Both of you are supposed to be killed off!" said Theau Thor, killing off both of them.  
Popo and Nana went flying past on a speeding glacier (I know those things are supposed to move even slower than Captain Falcon takes counting to three, but let's pretend this one was really, really, cool).  
"STOP RIGHT THERE!" said the Guardians of Death, firing abstract beams at them.  
"Why do they want us dead?" said Popo.  
"I don't know," said Nana. "But don't you blame me. All I did was press the 'Destroy all life' button. _You_ were the one who decided to run away."  
"Yes," sighed Popo. "I realise that now. Do you think that if we turn off the glacier they'll stop chasing us?"  
"You'd need a miracle to stop this baby," purred Nana, firing her… um… help me out here… Bob-omb gun shooter catapult flinger thrower… at the… bad guys.  
"Maybe this will work: I SUMMON THE POWER OF FICTIONAL COINCIDENCE AND THAT OF SHOUTING VIA CAPITALIZATION TO STOP THIS GLACIER FROM MOVING AWAY FROM THOSE GUYS WHO WANT US DEAD!"  
Nothing happened.  
"You forgot the magic word," reminded Nana.  
"Please?"  
The glacier did a three point turn and started towards the bad guys. The bad guys started running away.  
"Take that, you stereotypical idiots!" screamed Nana. Happily.  
"_STOP!_" raged Mewtwo happily, diving towards the glacier. Everything stopped moving. "_You moronic mortals should stop fighting!_"  
"Why?" said Popo.  
"_Because._"  
"Okay!"

Samus fell asleep while she was watching everybody else dance. As a result of the low quality of the others' aforementioned dancing.  
Which I mentioned about three cans of Pepscike™ ago.  
"What a pity," said Blood Falcon. "I was just about to go into the third movement of 'Clichéd Ballet in Two Movements'."  
"I could have done it better than you," said Captain Falcon.  
"Could not."  
"Could too."  
"Pika pi pi pichu!" _"Shut up and start breakdancing!"_ (For the record, Pikachu said that.)

"Well," said King Dedede slowly, "now that we're simultaneously mortal enemies and good friends for the third time this week, we'll have to work together to make sure that this hotel stays in order-"  
"I'm sorry, I didn't hear you," said Kirby, extracting himself from the pool of ice cream.  
"HEY!" said Dedede the gluttonous blue penguin. "You took all the chocolate dip! Well I'll just take the jelly bedsheets."  
"No way!" said Kirby. "I get the pool bar!"  
"I already got the pool bar," said Dedede. "I left that egg yolk dripping on the bench, remember."  
"Well I _ate_ the egg yolk."  
"Let's just clean up," said Dedede.  
Kirby thought about that. "If we clean up, can I have roast turkey for lunch?"  
"Yes," said King Dedede.  
"Can I have broiled duck?"  
"Yes," said King Dedede.  
"Can I have raw chickens?"  
"YES! IF YOU AGREE TO CLEAN UP YOU CAN EAT ANY KIND OF BIRD YOU WANT TO, OKAY?"  
"Even penguins?"  
"YES, EVEN PENGUINS!"  
A smiling Kirby and a comprehending King Dedede stared at each other for several minutes.  
"Okay," smiled Kirby. "I'll clean up. But first… some roasted penguin…"  
Fortunately for King Dedede, at that very moment a mud-covered Jigglypuff covered by mud rolled into the foyer of the hotel while covered with mud.  
"AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHREVIEWTHISSTORYHHHHHHHH!" yelled Kirby and King Dedede in shock. They both ran around trying to catch Jigglypuff.  
"Jiggy?" said Jigglypuff. Kirby didn't usually like muddy games. Oh well! Back to fun! She headed towards the room of velvet and old carpets.

"I'm sorry I ever hurt you," said Ganondorf.  
"All is forgiven," said Link.  
They lived happily ever after.  
Ness landed on Link's head.  
"Get… off!" said Link, struggling with Ness.  
"Ha ha! You said 'get'!" said Ness.  
"So?" said Link.  
"Wow," said Ness, stunned. "He knows how to ask questions."  
Link beamed proudly. "I only learnt that yester- HEY!"  
"That's not a word!" said Ness, running off.  
"What does 'yesterhay' mean?" said Ganondorf.  
"I don't know," said Link.  
"Then I must kill you," said Ganondorf.  
"Seventeen seconds. That's the longest truce we've had so far."  
Ignoring Link, Ganondorf pulled out his big stone club.

"As a matter of fact, I could use some help," said Zelda to the Mario Brothers. "You're plummakers, right?"  
"We are-a plumbers," corrected Luigi.  
"Yes, well, could you help me fix the tap for this sink?"  
"Okay," said Mario. "Turn it on and we'll see what the problem is."  
"That's the problem. It won't turn on."  
"Really?" said Luigi. "That's a new one. Usually the tap-a explodes when-a it turns on."  
Zelda turned towards the tap. "I, Zelda, princess of Hyrule, command you to turn yourself on immediately!"  
The tap ignored her.  
"Hmm," said Mario. "Perhaps if we hit the tap…"  
"Don't-a be a fool, Mario," said Luigi. "We need to talk to it – how do you call it?... talk to it _politely_."  
"Taps don't-a understand niceties," chastised Mario.  
"Perhaps I can help," said Samus, walking in.  
"Samus!" exclaimed Zelda. "You can trick the tap into working, can't you?"  
"Sure," said Samus. "I'm good with these high-tech things."  
"Go ahead, then," said Mario, anti-re-disillusioned.  
Samus fired several missiles at the tap. It exploded sending water spraying everywhere.  
"HOORAY FOR SAMUS!" everyone cheered.  
"Now, we can live peacefully again," said Samus. She stared at the tap. "Looks like I won this time, Ridley."  
"I'm not Ridley!" protested the tap. "I'm a real boy!"  
"Oops," said Samus. "Er… sorry." She ran away.

"Jumpin' jigsaws!" said Falco. "What in the Caribbean is that?"  
"No idea," said Fox. "Some sort of evil reptile."  
"It looks like a fish to me," said Falco.  
"Egad! It's one of those evil dinosaurs from that place we blew up a couple of years ago."  
"Let's shoot it, then ask it why it's here!"  
Fox and Falco whipped out their blasters before Yoshi got a chance to explain how he had ended up stuffed inside the pillows of the five star hotel they were staying in. "Yoshi! Arararararararararararararar!" he moaned, covering his eyes.  
"Let's kill him!" said Fox.  
"Okay," said Falco.  
Yoshi peeked out from behind his hands to check if the two were still there. Realising that they were, he covered his eyes again.  
"In three!" said Fox.  
"Two!"  
"One…"

DK rammed the skyscraper into Roy's stomach.  
"That hurts!" said Roy.  
"Four minutes are up!" exclaimed Zelda, running from her rental house. "I brought you all some water."  
DK and Roy eagerly postponed their fighting for some water.  
"Is that a plumber's cap in my cup?" said Roy.  
"Don't ask," said Zelda.  
"Hey! There's the worm I squashed last week!" said DK, peering into his cup.  
"How do you know it's the same worm?" said Roy.  
"Because," said DK.  
"Yeah, right," said Roy believingly.  
"All worms look the same," said Zelda. "Don't be ridiculous, DK."  
"Well, it is the same worm! Here's the bite mark! And here's that piece of garlic I couldn't get out from my armpits!"  
"Well so it is," said Roy.  
"Then all is well," said Zelda.  
"Aaaaaah!" screamed Mario in the background, being blown up in the air by 10 metric tons of water.

Just as Fox was about to empty his laser gun into Yoshi, Kirby and Dedede burst in.  
"What are you doing in our hotel?" said King Dedede.  
"We're guests," said Falco.  
King Dedede laughed. "Well, we don't have any guests listed in this Spanish textbook, right Kirby?"  
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" said Kirby, swallowing Fox.  
"You swallowed the thing with the cute ears?" said Dedede. "Can I have the bird, then?"  
"Okay," said Kirby glumly. "I'm sorry."  
"It's okay. Birds taste better."  
"Yeah," agreed Kirby. "Especially blue birds."  
"With yellow beaks and black and white eyes."  
Kirby nodded.  
Silence.  
Silence.  
Ditto.  
"LET'S JUST GO FIND THAT POKEMON NOW, SHALL WE?" said King Dedede loudly.

Samus ran down the dark streets of the… er… streets… and blew up a few people. Feeling much better, she bought herself an ice cream and went to ram it into Captain Falcon's stomach.

Yoshi sneaked through the air ducts of the building, and spied the Ice Climbers down on the street below.  
A perfect target.  
Yoshi leapt out of the window and executed a flawless belly hop, diving straight down. The Ice Climbers never heard him coming.  
Yoshi realised that he had jumped out off the wrong side of the building just as he fell through the manhole.

"_Did you hear something?_" said Mewtwo to the Ice Climbers.  
"Don't change the subject," said Nana angrily. "We know that you're the person who's been stealing all our sunflower seed removers, every night at four past three when Popo and I are sound asleep and unsuspecting. You can't deny it."  
"Yeah," said Popo. "What she said."  
"_I didn't do it. Why would you need sunflower seed removers?_"  
"Don't change the subject!" screamed Nana, who suddenly bore a remarkable resemblance to… how can I compare it?... an angry Nana. Yes, she was that angry.  
"_But-_"  
"I JUST SAID!"  
"_Nana, I-_"  
"NOT LISTENING!"  
"_But Nana, he-_"  
"SHUT UP!"  
"_Yoshi's behind you!_"  
"STOP LYING!"  
"Nana, Mewtwo's right. Yoshi is ri-"  
"OH, SO NOW YOU'RE ON HIS SIDE?"  
_That_ time, Nana and Popo had had warning, but they didn't regard it.  
The safe landed on them.  
"_How convenient,_" said Mewtwo. "_Now I can get away._"  
Yoshi sneaked up behind Mewtwo and ate him.

"Oh yeah?" said Bowser. "Well if I'm Bowser, then who are you?"  
Jigglypuff shrugged. She pulled out a **JIGGY-PUFF FACIAL MASK** and stuck it onto Bowser's face. She ran away.  
"AHA!" shouted King Dedede, running towards Bowser. "I've got you now, Jigglypuff. Time to die!" He produced a mallet.  
"But I'm not Bowser! I mean, I'm not jigged up! I mean, I'm Jiggly- _not_ Jigpu- no, jiggy, no, jig? Puh glug? Plug jiggly iggy ugly? I CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME!"  
Dedede roared in anger just as Bowser finally got it right.  
"Jigglypuff? Jigglypuff! See? Jig, jiggle, jiggly, jigglypuff! Jig-guh-l- oh no. Oh, no. Oh, No. _Oh, no_. **Oh, no**. **_Oh, no_**. **AAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHEHRUEKHNUJFDGFDHTRYYHTUTJHYNGTJHTFHGDG HJK J JGHFHFDHFDJHJIGFDJGVDSGJI I**WWWDOT**dGJGHOfdijgEZFDNENNNN**HOOGIDOTBRICKFILMSDOTCOMSLASHFORUM**MGHGHGJIGGLYPUFFISNOTMEANDVICEVERSA!4 GG!11111TTGGJJFDJRETROOTCOMMANDN+(B7)!thrTHRUJHFDGGGGHHH**FREEADVERTISINGHERE**HHHHHHH!**"**  
**


	8. Chapter 8

**HERCULE POIROT'S CHRISTMAS**

This is a story by **tikitikirevenge**. Not **hoogiman**.

Disclaimer: Like what I said in the previous chapters: I own the colon and the inverse semi-colon (as if anyone uses that), but none of the characters in this story save for those who I have created (maybe one?). I do not represent Nintendo, its employees, its contractors, their employees, their contractors, their employees, or Ford. Any similarity between the names of fictitious companies in this story and real organizations is purely coincidental. I resent any accusations that I am weird. I am simply abnormal.

**CHAPTER EIGHT: THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER FOLLOWING THE CHAPTER WHICH COMES AFTER THE CHAPTER AFTER THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS AFTER THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER BEFORE THE CHAPTER PRECEDING THE CHAPTER THAT COMES BEFORE THE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTERS BEFORE THE FINAL CHAPTER  
**  
The planet orbited the sun several times before Princess Peach of Mushroom Kingdom realised that she had reached a wall.  
"That explains why I can't move forward," she said.  
Peach carefully raised her arms and pressed them against the wall, performing a delicate manoeuvre known as "turning around".  
"Now," said Peach. "I shall be able to walk onto this freeway." And with an air of immense satisfaction, she began towards the bustling centre of the island. (No, not the ice cream parlour, the freeway. Like I was just talking about, remember?)  
"Not so fast," said Bowser, jumping in front of her. "I have a score to settle with you."  
"Oh dearie me," said Peach cheerfully.  
"That's bad for you."  
"Oh," said Peach. "I suppose I should scream?"  
"You can scream all you want," said Bowser. "Nobody wi-"  
Peach started to scream in a really high pitch and at an amazing volume.  
"Aargh!" said Bowser. "How did you know that bad singing is my weakness?"  
"I thought it was tennis," said Peach, confused.  
"I told you my weakness was tennis? Well, it's not, it is bad singing," said Bowser.  
"I shall have to tell the Mario brothers about this," said Peach.  
"Oh!" said Bowser, shocked. "In that case, my weakness is tennis."  
In the middle of this violent argument, Yoshi swooped down (we'll pretend he temporarily become a flying dinosaur) and kidnapped Bowser. "Help!" screamed Bowser. "I'm being taken away by a bad role reversal!"  
"Serves you right," said Peach. "Now I'll have to save you, Bowser."  
**_Peach 64 – Level 1_  
**_Walk to the hotel._  
"I can't do that," said Peach to nobody in particular. "I don't know the way to the hotel."  
_It's right in front of you._  
"Oh," said Peach, adding as an afterthought, "I can't walk."  
Peach considered this for a moment. "I think I'll just get my friendly stunt double to help me. Oh, Zelda!"  
Across the freeway, Zelda the kind, friendly princess who also pretended to be a princess heard Peach's cry, and removed her trusty sabre from Link's stomach. "Wait for me," she said, "or else."  
"Yes'm," said Link, trembling.  
In slow motion, Zelda somersaulted over the freeway, pausing in midair to throw a used can of Cokepsi™ into a pedestrian's head. She then landed on Peach's side of the freeway. (Peach had gotten that district for her 10th birthday.)  
"Let's go!" said Peach. Zelda and Peach swapped places, and Zelda walked towards the hotel. Zelda and Peach then swapped places again.  
"There!" said Zelda. "Now if anybody was watching, they would think that you had walked into the hotel of your own accord. Of course, they may have noticed my ears, or my jewellery, or that I'm wearing a blue enchanted sheik costume, or the five minutes I spent dragging you into the limousine which carried you the last six metres into the hotel. But all in all, it's good."  
"GREAT WORK!" shouted Peach and Zelda together, slapping each other on the cheek playfully.  
"Help!" shouted Ness, running into the room. "Captain Falcon and Blood Falcon are ramming race cars into my toy box!"  
"You keep a toy box?" said Link. "Hahahahaha! _Ness acts like a chi-ild! Ness act's like a kid-dy! Ness has gone all wi-ild! Ness has gone all gid-dy!_" He danced around in circles, jeering.  
"I _am_ a child," pointed out Ness. "Anyway, I was saying that this was a perfect job for-"  
"Us?" squealed Peach, gripping Zelda tightly.  
"Actually, I was going to ask that bounty hunter hunter over there, but you two will do."  
Peach and Zelda ran off towards Ness, and they headed out.  
"I am NOT a bounty hunter hunter!" shouted Samus after them. "First, I don't go out of my way to find Falcon. Second, Falcon is not a bounty hunter. He uses special effects. SPECIAL EFFECTS, I TELL YOU!"  
"It's okay," said Ridley the dragon, patting her on the shoulder. "They're not worth it."  
"Thanks," sobbed Samus. "You're so caring, Ridley."  
Ridley and Samus started to hug and kiss and cuddle and do awfully sweet things.  
"Egad!" gasped several space pirates and floating Metroids. "That is the most ridiculous plot line we've ever seen! You two are mortal enemies!"  
"Oh yeah?" said Samus. "What about the story where we all threw a party on Tallon IV? Do you want to repeat that particular episode?"  
"You go kiss," stammered the head space pirate. They ran off.  
"Mamma mia," said Mario. "Samus appears to have made up with her enemy."  
"That's why we are-a all friends-a, Mario," said Luigi.  
"Pardon?"  
"Pizza, you pastry ignorant-a fool!" exclaimed Luigi.  
Mario beamed. "Pizza it is!" They danced together out of the bar.  
As they danced away, Donkey Kong discreetly followed them, at least as discretely as a ten ton ape with his foot tied to several large percussion instruments and a minor country can be.  
"I bet that Mario was the evil dude who stole my giant banana," said Donkey Kong. "I _have_ to get that banana back. Without it, nobody cares about what I have to say. People only listen to me because they know that the banana understands."  
"Actually, I'm the evil dude who sto-" began Ganondorf.  
"Shut up," said Donkey Kong, flicking Ganondorf aside.  
"No!" shouted Ganondorf as DK walked away. "You can have it! I don't need it anyway! I already have enough bananas to last me an eternity!" Ganondorf remembered that he was immortal. "Okay…" he corrected. "Half an eternity."  
"Eternity is an infinite measure of time," pointed out Ness. "And infinity multiplied by any positive number is still infinity."  
"I put girl toys in your toy box," said Ganondorf, ignoring Ness.  
"Gasp!" gasped Ness, gasping. "Not _girl toys_!" The child genius ran around in circles, crying like a little kid. "You're so mean!" said Ness.  
"It's a side effect of being evil."  
"Wait…" said Ness. "So all evil people are mean?"  
"Deep inside, yes."  
"And are they all cruel?"  
"Yes."  
"And nasty?"  
"Yes."  
"And powerful?"  
"Yes."  
"And deeply hateful of life?"  
"Yes."  
"And do they cry at night holding on to pig skeletons?"  
"Yes."  
"HA!" said Ness. "TAKE THAT! I've got you saying that on tape!" He smiled. "You thought you won, but you were wrong!" Ness ran off towards the nearest Auto-Compromising-Audio-Publishing station.  
Ganondorf watched in shock as Ness fled. "This is horrible! If word gets out, us evil villains will be the laughing stock of all living and dead creatures! Mwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Wait… that's bad!"  
Ganondorf performed a Spell of Ancient Dark Mystic Dragonlord Reminder Pullback Remembrance Forgiveness Deathly Somethingness. "PREPARE MY BATH-O-SUB!" he commanded.  
A foot-long Subhealthy bun materialized in front of Ganondorf. Well, not so much a foot long as a leg-long. Or, if you want to be precise, a bun in the shape of a hapless villager.  
As he munched on his evil plan perfecting pastries, Ganondorf came across an ingenious method to stop Ness from reaching the… whatever it was I wrote just then. "It's brilliant!" he said to himself. "It's absolute genius-killing genius!  
"I KILL NESS!" he screamed ungrammatically (I love that words (that was a deliberating error (that wasnt (this is just ugly)))).  
Lots of evil flying… animal… er… hamsters – evil flying hamsters went flying across the town until they were right behind Ness, who was riding his trike at breakneck pace.  
Ness turned around. "Oh no!" he shouted. "I'm being chased by flying hamsters!" He pressed a button on his trike, sending missiles the size of a house flying out of the trike and into the hamsters.  
Most of the hamsters imploded, but a few remained.  
"I'm out of incomprehensibly large missiles," realised Ness. He pressed another button and the trike turned into a… er… submarine. It also zapped itself… no, teleported… into the sewage system. The hamsters followed suit.  
"I'll have to throw some beach balls at them!" shouted Ness to himself. He stuck his head out of the window and, still underwater, threw beach balls dead on at the hamsters. The ones who got hit stopped chasing him and started running on the beach balls.  
The last two hamsters pulled out their beam swords and hacked through the ship.  
As Ness sank to the depths of the sewer, he took a deep breath and dived into the sea. WTF?  
He surfaced at the point where the sea met the top of the alpine tropical subterranean mountain.  
"Yoshi?" said Yoshi, who coincidentally, happened to be sitting right where Ness landed.  
"Let's go!" shouted Ness. He threw his boomerang cap at one hamster and watched it explode. Partially on fire, the cap landed back on Ness' head. "Good work, cap!"  
The final hamster jumped onto Ness' neck before he could react.  
It raised its STEEL-LINED CLAWS and aimed…  
…and handed Ness a note.  
Ness unfolded it and read. "I am going to kill you, signed Ganondorf."  
The hamster passed him a Pepscike coupon and scurried off.  
"Ooh," said Ness. "Pepscike. It refreshes quickly and-"  
Yoshi ran under a low bridge. He made it through, but Ness completely collided with the sharp steel spikes.  
Yoshi leaped across a cliff and landed between Marth and Roy. He pulled out his shotgun and killed them.  
"Why did you kill me?" said Roy.  
"Yoshi." _"I'm a dinosaur."_  
"I knew it!" said Marth. "That's why you're green and reptilian with traces of avian skeletal features. And it explains the 'I'm a dinosaur' bumper sticker on your rear end."  
Falco and Fox kidnapped Yoshi, and dragged him to the airport.  
Everyone was there, including Marth and Roy, who had come back to life because of the force of universal suffrage (the LGEO brick and I agreed).  
"Well," said Master Hand. "You're all going home."  
"Now I can rescue my dog!" said Peach.  
"_I thought that was your plot line, Zelda,_" communicated Mewtwo.  
"We struck a deal," said Bowser.  
"You're not-a Zelda," said Link.  
"That's my accent, baby!" said Mario.  
"Let's all go home," said Samus.  
"Okay," said Captain Falcon.  
They all went home.  
The end.  
Come to think of it, that sentence isn't very obvious, is it?  
I'll try again:  
**_THE END  
_**  
Author's note: I'd like to thank Dormant Psycho for his/her suggestions about paragraphing. As you can see, I have decided that I needed to make the breaks between paragraphs far more obvious, because Dormant Psycho believed that a large block of text with no white space hurt the eyes. And for the record, the idea for an action hero flying pig was _my_ idea. If Dormant Psycho uses that idea, he or she stole the idea from me. Not vice versa. Not, of course, that there's any reason to believe that I'd steal Dormant Psycho's innovative idea for- I'll just stop here before I defame anybody, like that stupid hoogiman.  
Thank you all for submitting your hundreds of nice reviews! It was very generous of you to show how much appreciation you all felt for my story. I'm glad that you all gave so much positive feedback and input, because it meant that I didn't have to write the story with no support.

Please feel guilty?

"What'cha reading?" asked Mario, to Peach.  
"It's my new spork," said Peach. "You can eat jam with it!"  
"Amazing," said Mario.  
"Yes," said Peach.  
"Yes," said Mario.  
"Yes," said Peach.  
"Yes," said Mario.  
"Yes," said Peach.  
"Yes," said Mario.  
"Yes," said Peach.  
"Yes," said Mario.  
Please leave now.

Oh, and please review!

And read my other stories.

Because you feel very guilty.

IKNOWWHEREYOULIVE!


End file.
